USING RHETORIC: Polysyndeton & Simile

F. Polysyndeton is the use of conjunctions between words, phrases, or clauses. It is the opposite of asyndeton; however the effect of polysyndeton shares a feeling of multiplicity, a never ending list, and a building up with that of asyndeton.

I said, “Who killed him?” and he said, “I don’t know who killed him but he’s dead all right,” and it was dark and there was water standing in the street and no lights and windows broke and boats all up in the town and trees blown down and everything all blown and I got a skiff and went out and found my boat where I had her inside Mango Key and she was all right only she was full of water. –Ernest Hemingway, After the Storm.

I wanted to help him when he fell, but I couldn’t see, but I couldn’t hear, but I couldn’t feel.

Not only that, but for my sake, for your sake, for the sake of the others like us, and for the sake of every living creature on earth.

The sunset, like an artist’s palette, was a mix of yellow and orange and red and pink and purple and blue.

“Oh, my piglets, we are the origins of war—not history’s forces, nor the times, nor justice, nor the lack of it, nor causes, nor religions, nor ideas, nor kinds of government—not any other thing. We are the killers.” –Katherine Hepburn in The Lion in Winter.

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G. Simile is a comparison between to unlike things that resemble each other in at least one way. A simile can use ‘like’ or ‘as’ to compare.

He strode past Lady Tara and pulled open the door. Carmack framed the doorway like a second gate. Achan patted Carmack’s shoulder as he slipped by. “Good man.” –Jill Williamson, To Darkness Fled.

It’s impossible to listen to Ms. Keen. Her voice sounds like a cold engine that won’t turn over. –Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak.

Uncle Vernon sat back down, breathing like a winded rhinoceros… –J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

He looked like a secret service agent with his black hair, dark eyes, and black suit. –Jill Williamson, The New Recruit.

After such long exposure to the direct sun, Mrs. McKennwick’s skin was wrinkled and dry, as a raisin becomes when all the life has left the grape.

Similes can also be used like adjectives:

The girl had a coconut-like smell.

or to convey what something is not like:

She was nothing like the kind of friend a girl always dreams of having, the kind who will do anything for you and keep any secret.

USING RHETORIC: Asyndeton, Climax, & Metaphor

C. Asyndeton is the omission of conjunctions between words, phrases, or clauses, in a list of items. Using ‘and’ before the last item in the list tends to emphasize that last item. Omitting ‘and’ at the end of the list implies to the reader that the list is endless.

Mangy liked bananas, sausages, pickles, potato chips, ice cream, waffles, and dog food.

Mangy liked bananas, sausage, pickles, potato chips, ice cream, waffles.

See the difference? Here are some more examples of asyndeton:

He has provided the poor with jobs, with opportunity, with self-respect.

On his return he received medals, honors, treasures, titles, fame.

He was a winner, a hero.

D. Climax is arranging a series of items in order of importance so that each surpasses the preceding in force or intensity and the biggest emphasis is on the end. Last month I used the example from the novel Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson.

I have seven new notebooks, a skirt I hate, and a stomachache.

We see that the main character is most concerned with how she feels (the stomachache) over how she looks (the skirt) or what she owns (new notebooks). The rhetoric climax doesn’t have to be in a single sentence form but can be used in several sentences. Here are some more examples.

The woman was ugly, a parasite, a demon, and my betrothed.

The concerto was applauded at the house of Baron von Schnooty, it was praised highly at court, it was voted best concerto of the year by the Academy, it was considered by Mozart the highlight of his career, and it has become known today as the best concerto in the world.

At 6:20 a.m. the ground began to heave. Windows rattled; then they broke. Objects started falling from shelves. Water heaters fell from their pedestals, tearing out plumbing. Outside, the road began to break up. Water mains and gas lines were wrenched apart, causing flooding and the danger of explosion. Office buildings began cracking; soon twenty, thirty, forty stories of concrete were diving at the helpless pedestrians panicking below.

E. Metaphor compares two things by declaring they are the same. Unlike a simile which declares they are like each other, a metaphor declares they are each other. For example, “A mighty fortress is our God.” God is not a castle fortress, but when compared to a castle fortress in a metaphor we understand God’s character.

Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson has some of the best metaphors and similes I’ve read in a young adult novel. I highly recommend it for the studying writer.

I stand in the center aisle of the auditoruim, a wounded zebra in a National Geographic special, looking for someone, anyone, to sit next to. A predator approaches: gray jock buzz cut, whistle around a neck thicker than his head. Probably a social studies teacher, hired to coach a blood sport. –Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak.

Here are some more examples:

We are the trees whom shaking fastens more. –George Herbert

“I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.” –The Bible, John 6:51.

The mind is but a barren soil; a soil which is soon exhausted and will produce no crop, or only one, unless it be continually fertilized and enriched with foreign matter. –Joshua Reynolds

You don’t always need to use the “a is b” form in writing a metaphor.

The fountain of knowledge will dry up unless it is continuously replenished by streams of new learning.

I wonder when motor mouth is going to run out of gas.

Consider the power of a metaphor. A good one can describe better than a paragraph of detailed description. Choose a carefully thought out metaphor and your reader gets it. Look at the differences in the metaphors below and notice how vast the contrast is between each fraternity because of one metaphoric word.

That fraternity is blossoming.

That fraternity is on fire.

That fraternity is cancerous.

That fraternity is your typical rated R movie.

USING RHETORIC: Anaphora & Amplification

Rhetoric is the art of using language. As you write, you use words to tell a story. Your goal as a writer should be to do that in a way no other writer does. Style is learned over time by reading, studying the work of others, and practice. Studying rhetoric is a great way to learn tools that add style to your writing. You’ll still need to practice these tools to develop your own style in using them, but learning what they are is the first step. There are over fifty types of rhetoric devices that can help you convey your story in a more literary or stylistic way. I’m going to focus on just a few each day.

A. Anaphora is repetition of the same word or words at the beginning of two or more successive verses, clauses, or sentences to add emphasis. Here is an example from The Tale of Desperaux, by Kate DiCamillo. Watch for the phrase “a mouse who” which is an example of anaphora.

“…A mouse who consorts with humans, a mouse who would sit right at the foot of a man, a mouse who would allow a human to touch him”—and here, the entire Mouse Council indulged in a collective shiver of disgust—“cannot be trusted.”

The repetition of the phrase “a mouse who” builds tension as the Mouse Council is about to decide the fate of little Desperaux. Here are a few more examples:

Will he study the readings? Will he learn what it has to teach him? Will he live according to the lessons he has learned?

She held her baby very gently, very carefully, very lovingly.

In books I find the dead as if they were alive; in books I foresee things to come; in books warlike affairs are set forth; from books come forth the laws of peace. –Richard de Bury

Still they kept on, not knowing what lay ahead, not knowing what they would find at the end of the tunnel, not knowing they were so near to Armonguard. –Jill Williamson, From Darkness Won

If we can get the car started, if we can find the road, and if we can make it through the snowy pass, we’ll be able to find the cabin.

B. Amplification is repeating a word or expression while adding more detail to it each time in order to emphasize.

In my hunger after ten days of rigorous dieting I saw visions of ice cream—mountains of creamy, luscious ice cream, dripping with gooey syrup and calories.

This orchard, this lovely, shady orchard, is the main reason I bought this property.

Pride—boundless pride—is the bane of civilization.

He showed a rather simple taste, a taste for good art, good food, and good friends.

Amplification can combine with another rhetoric device. Below I used both anaphora and amplification to describe the royal fortress Noiz in my medieval fantasy novel, From Darkness Won.

“Noiz was a sanctuary for the royal family, a sanctuary in troubled times.”

Port Yonder Press is Seeking Short Stories About Elves

Port Yonder Press is seeking submissions for their SeaBeast Anthology: Elves, Volume 1. If you have a fantasy story about elves between 5,000-15,000 words, check out the submission guidelines to see if this could be a good fit. You have until October 1, 2010 to submit, so get to writing!

THE ART OF DESCRIPTION, PART THREE

3. Setting the Stage

Some new writers mistakenly believe that description is “telling.” Some just forget to put it in. That is easy to do when you, the writer, can see the story in your head. But a good writer must write in a way so that the reader can see what is in the writer’s head. Think of yourself as a movie camera operator. Everything that you record through your lens must be translated onto paper. Don’t leave things out!

Description is too important to the story to be left out. It creates the environment that your characters will live in. How can you incorporate it?

Always try to set the stage right away at the beginning of a new scene or location. Give a quick overall description of the room/landscape/vehicle. One sentence might be enough, or maybe you’ll need a paragraph or two.

Think of this as setting the stage. If you were to see a play, the curtain opens and you see the set. Everything you see is a part of the story. A character cannot suddenly pull a kitchen sink from thin air. If there is a kitchen sink in the room, the audience should have been able to see it from the start.

The same should apply in describing a scene in your novel. Give the reader the important details of the set. If you plan to have a character pick up a chair and throw it later in the scene, you’d better plant that chair in your initial description. Having a chair magically appear when the character needs it will be confusing to the reader if your description didn’t mention there were any chairs in the room. Make sense?

I cannot take credit for this description genius. I learned it during the edits for my first novel from my editor Jeff Gerke. He has an awesome book out called The Art & Craft of Writing Christian Fiction, which, even if you aren’t writing Christian fiction, is an AMAZING book to teach you more about writing. Click on the title to check it out. Jeff is also working on a new book tentatively called Plot vs. Character: the divided novelist’s guide to writing balanced fiction. I’ll keep you posted on this book when I know more.

THE ART OF DESCRIPTION, PART TWO

2. Dialogue and the dreaded “ly” controversy.

Many writers are tempted to replace the word “said” with something more creative. That would be a big telling mistake. Many writers also like to use an adverb (often a “ly” word) to help the reader know exactly how something was said. This is also a big telling mistake. A good writer will choose dialogue that shows what’s going on. If a writer gives in to temptation and repeat himself in the said tag, he is telling the reader how something was said instead of showing.

Ex:
“Are we going to the bank?” Michelle questioned.
“Yes,” Kelly answered.
“How much money are you going to withdraw?” Michelle queried.
“All of it,” Kelly stated, blandly.
“All of it?” Michelle squeaked in shock.
“All of it,” Kelly repeated, firmly.

My thoughts:
“Are we going to the bank?” Michelle questioned. (“Asked” is the best word for asking a question. Stick with it!)
“Yes,” Kelly answered. (This isn’t the worst thing, but “said” is always better.)
“How much money are you going to withdraw?” Michelle queried. (Icky! Stick with “asked.” Also, at this point, we know there are only two people in the scene, so you only need to show the speakers once. We know that Michelle asked this, since Kelly said yes, in the previous line. No need to state the obvious. Right?)
“All of it,” Kelly stated, blandly. (“Blandly” tells the reader how they should interpret Kelly’s tone. Readers don’t like this.)
“All of it?” Michelle squeaked in shock. (This also tells the reader what Michelle is feeling and doing.)
“All of it,” Kelly repeated, firmly. (“Repeated” is more repetition. “Firmly” is more telling.)

 Here’s how to do it better:
“Are we going to the bank?” Michelle asked.
“Yes,” Kelly said.
“How much money are you going to withdraw?”
“All of it.”
Michelle’s jaw dropped. “All of it?”
“All of it.”

Getting rid of all those extra dialogue tags and “ly” words really cleaned up that section. Plus I added that one little action tag: Michelle’s jaw dropped. This showed Michelle’s shock at the amount of money being withdrawn. Her action (Michelle’s jaw dropped.) and her dialogue (“All of it?”) work together to show the reader what’s going on. It helps get the reader into the heads of the characters. Make sense? The dialogue (the actual words between the quotes) needs to show the feelings. The said tags should feel invisible to the reader.

THE ART OF DESCRIPTION, PART ONE

The first thing you need to know about description is that it’s necessary in a book. The second thing you need to know is that description is not always “telling.” Description can be a form of telling, but that doesn’t mean you can get away without describing things in your story for fear you will be telling and not showing. If you don’t describe the scene and characters, how will the reader know what anything looks like?

First we’ll spend a few days focusing on how not to do description, how it is telling, and how you can avoid using description this way. Then we’ll look at what makes a good description.

1. The information dump

A lot of people feel the need to tell everything about their character up front. This is called an information dump. A bad example might look like this, though they are often much, much longer.

            Kate grabbed her backpack that Grandma Kay gave her last Christmas and headed out of the school. She was a studious young girl, and never left home without her backpack. Good grades were important to her. Grandma used to help her study when Kate lived in Miami. They used to spend hours working on Math, Kate’s most challenging subject. Kate missed Miami. She especially missed Grandma Kay. She remembered when he dad told her they were moving.

            “Kate, we’re moving,” her dad had said.

            “What?” Kate blinked in shock. “No, Dad! I won’t go!”

And the scene would go on and on in the past telling us about the move. Eventually the story would shift back to the present, but by then, the reader would be totally lost.

DON’T DO THIS!

Why is this bad? The reader wants to know about what Kate is doing right now. In case you missed it, she was walking home from school. There wasn’t much of that in the story. A good writer will start the story with some interesting action and save Kate’s backstory for when it’s important for the reader to know.

Telling backstory can also happen in dialogue.

Ex:

“How are you, Mike? I know you broke your leg last week. How is it feeling?”
“It’s better, but I couldn’t play in the basketball game last night like you did.”
“I’m sorry. I know how much that mean to you. I’m sure we would’ve won if you’d been there.”

Or:

“I don’t want to go to the party tonight. I’m tired of trying to meet boys,” Megan said.
“But Meg, you’re so pretty,” Jessica said. “Your blonde curls make me jealous. And you have great posture and a nice figure. You’re taller than me, too, and I know boys like that.”

DON’T DO THESE THINGS, EITHER!

Dialogue had to be natural. Read it out loud and ask yourself honestly if people would talk about those things like that. They wouldn’t. Find another way to get the info into the story.

PUNCTUATION, PART TWO

**Note: These rules are for writing books. My source is the Chicago Manual of Style. If you are writing articles, some of the rules are a bit different. Refer to the Associated Press Stylebook if you are writing articles.

I. The Colon

A. Capitalization

How do you know whether or not to capitalize the first word following a colon? Always have the word be lowercase except in the following circumstances:

1. If the first word is a proper noun.

Ex: The people who should be on the bus are the following: Mark, Christa, Drew, and Kelley.

2. If the colon precedes a definition or a direct quote.

Ex: When Christy got angry at Karen, Jill told her not to Jake out: An act or instance of turning into a werewolf. (Inspired by the book Twilight.)

Ex: The poignant words of Douglas Adams state: “Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”

3. If the colon comes before two or more related sentences.

Ex: Robert had three options: He could walk the six miles to the library. He could call someone and beg a ride. Or he could just take Grandma Nan’s car.

4. If the colon introduces dialogue lines in a speech or drama.

Ex: Juliette: Then, window, let day in, and let life out.
Romeo: Farewell, farewell! One kiss and I’ll descend.

B. Where to use a colon

A colon means as follows. It is used to introduce something (or a series of things).

1. Use a colon after a complete sentence to direct attention to a list.

Ex: Marcia’s daily workout was supposed to include at least the following: twenty sit-ups, ten push-ups, and fifteen minutes of cardio.

Ex: Give us the following construction materials: wood, hammers, and nails.

Ex: This summer our family plans to visit four western states: Arizona, Utah, Colorado, and New Mexico.

2. Use a colon after a complete sentence to direct attention to an appositive: A word or phrase that means the same thing.

Ex: Shelby was shocked at what she saw: her reflection.

Ex: We found Fluffy sleeping in her favorite spot: the tree in the backyard.

Ex: There is one obstacle I must conquer before graduation: passing all my classes.

3. Use a colon after a complete sentence to direct attention to a quotation.

Ex: Consider the words of Mother Theresa: “Even the rich are hungry for love, for being cared for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own.”

II. The Semicolon

1. A semicolon is used to separate closely related independent clauses not joined by a coordinating conjunction.

Say what?

Basically, use a semicolon if you want to glue two sentences together that are similar.

Ex: Hate begets hate; violence begets violence; toughness begets a greater toughness. (Martin Luther King, Jr.)

Ex: Ten finalists performed to be the next American Idol; only two remain.

Ex: Mr. Sanchez is a successful chef; however, he won’t eat his own cooking.

Each of the independent clauses (or sets of words between the semicolons) are complete sentences on their own. You can’t use a semicolon if these are only phrases. You also can’t use a semi colon if you have a coordinating conjunction (and, but, or) between the sentences.

If you did put a comma where a semicolon is above, you will have created a comma splice, which is a very icky error. Be sure to look carefully at all your clauses. If they are complete sentences, you need a semicolon. If they aren’t, you don’t need a semicolon.

2. A semicolon is also used between items in a series that contain internal punctuation.

Ex: The classic fantasy novels that are big right now are Harry Potter, with the boy wizard with a lightning bolt scar; Eragon, with the young dragon rider; and the timeless Chronicles of Narnia, where children enter a magical land through a wardrobe.

III. Dashes

There are two kinds of dashes that are used most often in writing: and em dash — and an en dash – 

Please note that there should be NO SPACE before or after either type of dash.

A. The em dash

To create the em dash, type a word, then type two hyphens, then type the next word, then type a space. Do not put any spaces until you are done with the sequence.

What you type will look like this: word–word(space)

When you hit that last space bar, the two dashes will convert to an em dash.

1. Use an em dash to set off parenthetical material that you want to emphasize.

Ex: Everything that went wrong—from her C- on our history project to Tom breaking up with her—Shelly blamed on me.

Ex: Can you believe that Susie Walker—a cheerleader and a freshman—won homecoming queen?

2. Use an em dash to set off appositives that contain commas.

Ex: When you apply the make-up—foundation, mascara, eye shadow, and lipstick—be sure to follow the guidelines.

3. Use an em dash to signify a break it thought.

Ex: “I can’t believe Mr. Thomas—did you just say she had the baby?”

4. Use an em dash to signify an interruption.

Ex: “I don’t know why it happened. Maybe it’s because—”

“I don’t want to head an excuse. I’m sick of them!”

B. The en dash

To create the en dash, type a word, type a space, then type one hyphen, then type the next word, then type a space. What you type will look like this: word(space)-word(space)

When you hit that last space bar, the dash will convert to an en dash. NOTE: You will have to go back and take out the first space once the dash is converted. It is proper format that no space appear before or after the dash. If you read Harry Potter, you will see spaces with her dashes. Keep in mind that J. K. Rowling is a British author and the punctuation and grammar rules are different there. I am teaching the rules for the United States.

1. Use an en dash to connect inclusive numbers such as: page numbers, dates, or Bible references. Here the en dash means ‘up to and including’ or ‘through.’

Ex: Please read in your text pages 86–92.

Ex: I went to college from 1993–1997.

Ex: I read John 3:16–17 and it changed my life.

IV. Ellipses

Ellipsis are used to show thought trailing off. If your character is confused, insecure, uncertain, falling asleep, or passing out, an ellipses is the tool you want to convey this.

Ex: “Where . . . I had it right . . . then medallion . . . I must have dropped it!”

Ex: “I want to go there . . . first thing . . . in the morning.”

Ex: “Okay. I’ll tell you who shot me. It was . . .” Kit’s body went limp in John’s arms.

V. Apostrophes

Use an apostrophe to replace omitted letters in a word. If your font uses curly quotes, make sure that the apostrophe curls in the right direction. This way in the front: ’ and this way in the back: ’

Ex: “There be no tellin’ what he’ll do now.” (The apostrophe takes the place of the “g” in “telling.”

 Ex: “All you kids do is sit around listening to that loud rock ’n’ roll.” (The apostrophe before the “n” takes the place of the “a” in “and.” The apostrophe after the “n” takes the place of the “d” ion “and”.

Ex: “I won’t come out ’til you promise not to laugh!” (The apostrophe takes the place of the “un” in “until.”

VI. Numbers

Spell out numbers round numbers (hundreds, millions). Spell out numbers one through one hundred. Spell out numbers in reference to age. Spell out all numbers that begin a sentence. Use numerals (1234) for all other numbers.

Ex: Michael crouched down. “There are millions of ants here!”

Ex: “I need two hundred and fifty copies of the flyer,” Megan said.

Ex: “I need 2,500 copies of the flyer,” Megan said.

Ex: “She’s ninety-six years old!”

Ex: “One, I can’t understand why you hate me. And two, I don’t like you either.”

VII. Time

Always spell out the time of day unless you are referring to the exact time.

Ex: Drew went to be at five o’clock exhausted from the tournament.

Ex: “Mom slept in and I missed my nine-thirty dentist appointment.”

Ex: “I get to church way early because the Sunday bus goes by my house at 7:10.”

Ex: “Class starts directly at 8:35 tomorrow morning. Don’t be late!”

VIII. Dates

Dates are written with numerals. Do not write August 1st.

Ex: August 1.

Ex: “On January 1, 2000, there were no major fallouts due to the new millennium.”

Ex: “The photograph is copyright April 1942.”

Ex: On 5 February, 1903 Mario and his family arrived in America.

When a day is mentioned without the month or year, spell out the number.

Ex: “By the fifteenth, finals will be over and we can focus on the Christmas holidays!”

There are TONS more rules. Like I mentioned last month, if you are serious about writing, get yourself a grammar reference book. Again, my recommendations are: Strunk, White, and Angell’s Elements of Style, O’Conner’s Woe Is I: A Grammaphobe’s Guide to Better English in Plain English, two books by Bill Walsh, Elephants of Style and Lapsing Into a Comma, as well as Cochrane and Humphry’s Between You and I: A Little Book of Bad English.

Or, if you want to be really thorough, get a copy of The Chicago Manual of Style if you are writing books. It has all the rules you never wanted to know. If you are writing articles for newspapers or magazines, get a copy of the Associated Press Stylebook.

This ends my thoughts on punctuation. Next post I’ll get into something more exciting by discussing description. The fact that you must describe, and how to describe things without boring your readers to death, without taking eight pages to do it, and without using clichés.

PUNCTUATION, PART ONE

As I critique the work of begining authors, a few errors come up on a regular basis. In this post I’m going to tackle some punctuation issues that new writers have a hard time with. Once you get these rules down, your writing craft will improve immensely.

**Note: These rules are for writing books. My source is the Chicago Manual of Style. If you are writing articles, some of the rules are a bit different. Refer to the Associated Press Stylebook if you are writing articles.

I. Punctuating Dialogue

A. Format

Each time a new character speaks, their dialogue must be in its own separate paragraph.

Ex:

     “Nauja!” Kim’s voice echoed against the tile walls. She ran over to Nauja and sat next to her on the cement bench. “What happened to you?”

     Nauja looked at the tile floor. “Mr. Wallinga gave me a tardy slip.”

     Kim was unfazed by this information. “So? You never came to class. Did he make you go to the office?”

     “No,” Nauja said.

     Kim eyes narrowed. “Where did you go, then?”

     “I—”

     “Hi, girls!” Gracie skipped over to them. Her smile faded. “What’s wrong?”

     Kim whispered, “Nauja skipped Home Ec class.”

     “What!” The volume of Gracie’s voice made Nauja jump. Two girls dressing behind Gracie stared.

     Gracie waved at them. “Sorry.” She turned back to Nauja and crouched down on her haunches. “What happened?”

It’s also wise to start a new paragraph for another character’s reaction to dialogue, although some authors don’t. Here’s an example of dialogue that has another character’s reaction in the same paragraph as the speaker’s dialogue:

Ex:

        John glared at Tina and said, “I hate you!” Tina’s eyes filled with tears. “You’re always talking behind my back and spreading lies about me. I can’t have a friend like that; I don’t want one.”

I would write this differently to avoid confusing the reader. With Tina’s action in the middle of that paragraph, the reader may wonder if she said part of that dialogue.

How Jill would write it:

     John glared at Tina and said, “I hate you!”

     Tina’s eyes filled with tears.

     “You’re always talking behind my back and spreading lies about me,” John said. “I can’t have a friend like that; I don’t want one.”

B. Tags

There are two types of dialogue tags: said tags and action tags.

1. Said Tags

A said tag assigns the dialogue to a speaker by using the word said or a variation of that word (asked, yelled, whispered, etc). A said tag is connected to the dialogue with a comma, unless the dialogue is a question or needs an exclamation point. When using a said tag, the pronoun is lowercase unless it is a proper name. Pay special attention to the underlines parts of the examples for proper punctuation.

Sample Said Tags:

     “I’m Sam,” the girl said.

     “I am the Princess of Whales,” Diana said.

     “Get out!” she screamed.

     “Get out!” Kelly screamed.

     “Who are you?” he asked.

     “Who are you?” Bob asked.

     “True friendship is more about listening,” Mark said, “than talking.” (This is one sentence where the said tag interrupted the dialogue. If you do this, make sure the interruption is in a place that is natural for a speaker to pause. Read the dialogue out loud to see what sounds best.)

       “True friendship is more about listening,” Mark said. “Talking doesn’t help you get to know the other person.” (This is two sentences interrupted by the said tag. Between sentences is a natural place to pause, but then the said tag looks like it would at the end of a regular sentence, then a new sentence begins.)

       She crossed her arms and said, “That sounds dumb. Why would you want to do that?” (If a tag contains and action and a said element, punctuate like a said tag.)

Also keep in mind that said tags flow better using the pronoun first then the said word.

Ex:

         “Goodbye,”      Bobby           said.

                                   (Pronoun)    (said word)

When you reverse them, it may make sense with proper names, “Goodbye,” said Bobby. But it sounds awkward with other pronouns. “Goodbye,” said he. Always put the said word second.

2. Action Tags

An action tag is a complete sentence that shows the reader who the speaker by what they are doing. Because we see the speaker’s action, we know they are the one saying the dialogue. Since action tags are full sentences, they are punctuated like a full sentence.

Sample Action Tags:

     Doug scowled, his lips curling in a frown. “Who are you?”

     The girl reached out a hand to shake. “I’m Sam.”

     “Get out!” Doug slammed the door in her face.

     “True friendship is more about listening,” Mark put his finger to his ear, “than talking.” (This is one sentence where the action tag interrupted the dialogue. If you do this, make sure the interruption is in a place that is natural for a speaker to pause. Read the dialogue out loud to see what sounds best.)

     “True friendship is more about listening.” Mark put his finger to his ear. “Talking doesn’t help you get to know the other person.” (This is two sentences interrupted by the action tag. Between sentences is a natural place to pause.)

II. Commas

Punctuation is not my thing, but I still need to know the rules to be a professional author. I’ll try to explain them as simply as possible, but I highly recommend picking up a grammar book to have for reference. Some recommendations are: Strunk and White’s,  Elements of Style, O’Conner’s Woe Is I: A Grammaphobe’s Guide to Better English in Plain English, Elephants of Style and Lapsing Into a Comma by Bill Walsh, or Cochrane and Humphry’s Between You and I: A Little Book of Bad English.

A. Commas with Coordinating Conjunctions

There are seven coordinating conjunctions: and, but, for, nor, or, so, and yet. Basically, these are words that connect two clauses in a sentence. If you have a sentence that has one of those seven words in the middle, how do you now when you need a comma before the conjunction or not? If the words on both sides of the conjunction are complete sentences by themselves, you need the comma to avoid having a run on sentence.

Ex:

        “Almost everyone on earth likes chocolate, but I can’t live without it.” (You need the comma before ‘but’ because “Almost everyone on earth likes chocolate” is a complete sentence and so is “I can’t live without it.”)

If the sentence had one side that wasn’t a complete sentence on its own, a comma would be wrong. “Almost everyone on earth likes chocolate but my Aunt Sue who lives in Charlotte.” Since “My Aunt Sue who lives in Charlotte” is not a complete sentence, a comma is not needed.

A few more examples:

        Marcia, Alex, and Josue are from Mexico, yet Emile is from Guatemala.

        She had promised her father she would go on the trip, and she had never broken a promise to him in her life.

        He is a senior in high school and is really smart. (“Is really smart” is not a sentence so no comma is used.)

NOTE: For a very short sentence, you can omit the comma.

Ex:

       The bus departed and we were on our way.

B. Commas After an Introductory Word Group

When you start a sentence with an introductory word group, you need to separate it from the rest of the sentence with a comma.

Ex:

        When Martin was ready to eat, the waiter brought him a salad to start with.

Note: The comma can be omitted here in a very short sentence.

Ex:

        In no time we were in a different state.

C. Commas Between All Items in a Series

When three or more items are listed in a series, those items should all be separated with commas. This applies to single words, phrases, or clauses. Note that a comma goes before the conjunction at the end of the sentence.

Ex:

        My favorite candy is M&M’s, Skittles, and Gummi Bears.

        The camp games consisted of aliens and earthlings, trout and hard boiled egg baseball, and singing for bread.

        You can choose from going on a hike up the mountain, playing paintball in the field, going on a canoe ride, or swimming in the pool.

D. Commas Between Coordinating Adjectives vs. No Commas Between Cumulative Adjectives

Adjectives are coordinate if they can be joined with ‘and’ or if they can be scrambled and still make sense. Commas are required between coordinate adjectives.

Ex:

        Michael is a strong, tall, talented basketball player.

To test this example we first see if we can join the adjectives with ‘and’ and keep the same meaning. Ex:  Michael is a strong and tall and talented basketball player.

Next we scramble the adjectives to see if this has an effect. Ex: Michael is a talented, strong, tall basketball player. Same meaning? Yep!

Cumulative adjectives lean on one another, with each modifying a larger word group. They do not require commas in between.

Ex:

        Four small white doves flew toward me.

When we test this sample joining the adjectives with ‘and’ is doesn’t work. Ex: Four and small and white and doves flew toward me.

When we scramble them, it also changes the meaning. Ex: “Small four white doves flew toward me.” This doesn’t work nor does, “White small four doves flew toward me.”

E. Commas That Set Off Parenthetical Elements

A comma is used to set off a part of a sentence that can be removed with changing the meaning of the sentence.

Ex:

        Tom Hanks, who won an Oscar for the film Philadelphia, is the voice of Woody in the Toy Story films. (“who won an Oscar for the film Philadelphia” is added information and therefore set off by commas.)

F. Commas That Set Off Contracting Phrases

Anything that says the opposite of what your sentence is saying should be set off by a comma.

Ex:

        Mother needs the dishes washed now, not tomorrow.

G. Commas That Set Off Quoted Elements

Whether or not a comma is needed for a quote depends on how you use it.

Ex:

        Pastor Michaels said, “It’s love that matters most in life.”

        Pastor Michaels believes that love matters most in life.

        In his sermon, Pastor Michaels shared how he feels that “love matters most.”

H. Commas to Avoid Confusion

Use a comma to avoid confusion.

Example without comma:

        Inside the house is cooler because of the air conditioning.

Correct example:

        Inside, the house is cooler because of the air conditioning.

Example without comma:

        Bulls, which have antlers, are male. (This means that all bulls have antlers.)

Correct example:

        Bulls that have antlers are male. (This means that only bulls that have antlers are male.)

Wow! Since I’m not even half done with my outline, I’m going to tackle the rest in another post. If you want to know the rules for colons, semicolons, dashes, ellipses, apostrophes, and numbers, stay tuned.

WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH SHOWING AND TELLING?

Someone reads your work and says, “There’s too much telling here. You need to show.” Huh? This is that great mystery for beginning writers and even for some writers who’ve been at it a while. Writers like me. My editor, Jeff Gerke, got on my case for sneaking in little bits of telling. “Stop that!” he said. And I said,

“Huh?”

What does telling mean?

In some ways, I still can’t explain this fully, but I can give you a great start. In fact, if you really want the best advice on this, check out Jeff Gerke’s book, The Art and Craft of Writing Christian Fiction. Jeff uses some amazing comparisons to “show” you the difference between telling a story and showing it. Jeff says, “Toss aside your s’mores and put on your director’s chapeau. It’s time to stop telling stories and start making movies—on paper.”

I’ve divided this post into four topics of telling. Hopefully, this will give you some insight to help you improve in this area.

NOTE: Most of the examples in this e-zine are bad examples. Do not write like this! In many places I give a better example to show you the difference.

1. Backstory/Exposition

A lot of people feel the need to tell everything about their character up front. This is called the information dump. A bad example might look like this:

            Kate grabbed her backpack that Grandma Kay gave her last Christmas and headed out of the school. She was a studious young girl, and never left home without her backpack. Good grades were important to her. Grandma used to help her study when Kate lived in Miami. They used to spend hours working on Math, Kate’s most challenging subject. Kate missed Miami. She especially missed Grandma Kay. She remembered when he dad told her they were moving.

            “Kate, we’re moving,” her dad had said.

            “What?” Kate blinked in shock. “No, Dad! I won’t go!”

The reader wants to know about what Kate is doing right now. In case you missed it, she’s walking home from school. There wasn’t much of that in the story. A good writer will save Kate’s backstory for when it’s important for the reader to know, and start the story with some interesting action. Jeff Gerke says to imagine your story as it’s being played on the silver screen. How would the viewer feel if the screen suddenly went black and a voice started talking? Boring! Try not to do that. Let the reader see everything that’s happening.

Telling backstory can also happen in dialogue.

Ex:

“How are you, Mike? I know you broke your leg last week. How is it feeling?”

“It’s better, but I couldn’t play in the basketball game last night like you did.”

“I’m sorry. I know how much that mean to you.”

Or:

“I don’t want to go to the party tonight. I’m tired of trying to meet boys,” Megan said.

“But Meg, you’re so pretty,” Jessica said. “Your blonde curls make me jealous. And you have great posture and a nice figure. You’re taller than me, too, and I know boys like that.”

What a ‘telling’ way to sneak in some character description! Ha ha.

2. Dialogue and the dreaded ‘ly’ controversy.

Many writers are tempted to replace the word ‘said’ with something more creative. That would be a big ‘telling’ mistake. Many writers also like to use an adverb (often a ‘ly’ word) that helps the reader know exactly what is going on. This is also a big ‘telling’ mistake. A good writer will choose dialogue that shows what’s going on. If you give into temptation and repeat yourself in the said tag, you’re ‘telling.’

Ex:

“Are we going to the bank?” Michelle questioned.

“Yes,” Kelly answered.

“How much money are you going to withdraw?” Michelle queried.

“All of it,” Kelly stated, blandly.

“All of it?” Michelle squeaked in shock.

“All of it,” Kelly repeated, firmly.

My thoughts:

“Are we going to the bank?” Michelle asked. (‘Asked’ is the best word for asking a question. Stick with it!)

“Yes,” Kelly answered. (This isn’t the worst thing, but ‘said’ is always better.)

“How much money are you going to withdraw?” Michelle queried. (Icky! Stick with ‘asked.’ Also, at this point, we know there are only two people in the scene, so you only need to show the speakers once. We know that Michelle asked this, since Kelly said yes, in the previous line. No need to state the obvious. Right?)

“All of it,” Kelly stated, blandly. (Blandly tells the reader how they should interpret Kelly’s tone. Readers don’t like this.)

“All of it?” Michelle squeaked in shock. (This also tells the reader what Michelle is feeling and doing.)

“All of it,” Kelly repeated, firmly. (Repeated: More repetition. Firmly: More telling.)

Here’s how to do it better:

“Are we going to the bank?” Michelle asked.

“Yes,” Kelly said.

“How much money are you going to withdraw?”

“All of it.”

Michelle’s jaw dropped. “All of it?”

“All of it.”

Getting rid of all those extra dialogue tags and ‘ly’ words really cleaned up that section. Plus I added that one little action tag: Michelle’s jaw dropped. This showed Michelle’s shock about the amount of money being withdrawn. Her action, the jaw dropping, and her dialogue work together to show the reader what’s going on. It helps to get the reader into the heads of these characters. Make sense? The dialogue, the actual words you put between the quotes, needs to show the feelings. The said tags should feel invisible to the reader. That’s good writing.

3. Passive Voice

There are some words that signal passive voice. Like that sentence I just wrote. The word ‘there’ is one of them. An active rewrite of that first sentence would be: Some words signal passive voice.

I cut, ‘there are,’ two words that didn’t need to be there and were just cluttering up my prose and making my word count too long.

Another one is using the word ‘with.’

Ex:

Incorrect: He looked at the man with a smirk.      

Correct: He smirked at the man.

It takes a while to get good at spotting passive voice. Verbs are another good place to look. Specifically the word ‘was.’

Ex: She was walking across the field.

The verb in this sentence, walk, is passive because I attached ‘was’ to it. The active sentence reads: She walked across the field. The sentence still has the same meaning. It’s still in past tense. It just cut out that useless ‘was’ word.

If you want to write even better—show even better—be specific by using concrete words.

Ex: She sprinted across the field. (Shows the reader she’s in a hurry for some reason.)

Ex: She limped across the field. (Shows the reader she might be hurt.)

Ex: She wandered across the field. (Shows the reader she’s taking her time.)

The biggest passive boo boo is flip-flopping the object and the subject of the sentence. Ex:

Incorrect: The book was read by Luke.                  

Correct: Luke read the book.

Incorrect: Candies were eaten by Monique.          

Correct: Monique ate the candies.

Another way to be passive is to tell senses: see, feel, hear, taste, smell.

Ex:

1. Christy saw the bee buzz around a flower.

2. Mike felt the cool breeze on his arms.

3. He heard a fire engine.

4. She tasted the sweetness of the lollipop.

5. Kirk smelled popcorn on the breeze.

Better examples:

1. A bee buzzed around a flower. (If the story is in Christy’s point of view, the author doesn’t have to say, ‘Christy saw.’ We see what she sees.)

2. A cool breeze sent a shiver through Mike. (The same thing applies here. Show us what happens. Show us how Mike feels, not that he feels.)

3. A siren wailed.

4. The lollipop filled her mouth with a sweet cherry flavor.

5. The smell of popcorn drifted in the breeze. Kirk’s stomach growled. (I added that part about the growling stomach. I think I got hungry thinking about the yummy smelling popcorn. LOL)

The words you choose and the way you say them create meaning to your prose. They show the reader what your characters are like. Every word matters. Choose wisely.

4. Weak or Vague words/Concrete and Abstract

Using vague words make your writing weak. It sounds like you, the author, aren’t sure of what is going on in your own story. Ex:

Sarah was a little tired from cheerleading practice.

Mike ate some pizza and fell asleep watching Smallville.

Rachel’s hair was pretty.

What’s wrong with these sentences? They’re vague! Choose your words wisely, means to choose concrete words (very specific words) over abstract. So:

Sarah was exhausted from cheerleading practice.

Mike ate an entire pizza and fell asleep watching Smallville.

Rachel’s hair fell in black waves over her shoulders and down her back.

Well. That might have fixed the abstract words, but there is still some telling in those previous examples. ‘Sarah was exhausted from cheerleading practice,’ tells us exactly that. It doesn’t show it.

Better example: Sarah tossed her duffle bag and pompoms onto the floor. She trudged across her room and fell onto the bed, muscles aching. She awoke at the sound of her mother’s voice…

In all of these forms of telling, the reader is jolted from the story and into the narrators lap. Fiction these days needs to keep the reader immersed in the story, like they are watching a movie in their heads. This is the trick, and it’s a lot of work. If you can learn to do this, you will greatly improve your writing.

Don’t worry about telling for the first draft! Just write that story. Once it’s complete, go back and edit out all the telling.

If you’re working on a final draft, here is a list of words that often could be cut (the sentences reworded) to tighten your work and clean up the ‘telling.’

is, are, was, were, there, it, am, be, being, been, became, there, just, has, have, had, that, little, so, very, every, poor, much, some, remember, thought, felt, saw, heard, smelled, tasted, noticed, actually, basically, surely, perhaps, as, anyway, quite, really, soon, truly, however, almost, entire, though, about, everyone, everything, any ‘ly’ word.